The joke used to be that in every Indian home, there is the mother, father, children, grandparents, and the anthropologist. — Elizabeth Cook-Lynn Copy Share Image
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very… — Jensen Ackles Copy Share Image
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
“Many things have been compared to a brick, mainly as a tribute to their intellect or to their aerodynamic characteristics.” — Sorin Suciu Copy Share Image
When a woman says there in a relationship there friends are like text me I want to hear all about him.. Guys… — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
We have to laugh at how hard life can be and how screwed up we can be at times... It's a really… — Brett Gelman Copy Share Image
Are we celebrating the fact that Guy Fawkes got caught trying to blow up parliament or he tried to have a go… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
To call them emotional comedies sounds cloying. Like Billy Wilder said, 'You want to make them laugh and you want to make… — Charles Shyer Copy Share Image
I try not to write jokes that are mean. I try my best to write jokes that are pretty universal and jokes… — Simon Rich Copy Share Image
Each thing I do, I rush through so I can do something else. In such a way do the days pass---a blend… — Stephen Dobyns Copy Share Image
Why do we need schools? Music: we have UTube. Spanish:there's Dora. English: everything's shortened anyway(lol,idk,gtg) Maths: that's why w have calculators. Geography:… — Simi Ngr Copy Share Image
Oh, man," Xavier groaned. "See what you've done--now I'm stressing." "You can't! You're the stable one!" Xavier laughed and I realized his… — Alexandra Adornetto Copy Share Image
When I'm traveling a lot the flight attendants will ask what I do and if I say I'm a magician then I… — Justin Willman Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast--it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
People are in denial all the time, hiding things. If I tell you a racist or dirty joke and you laugh, you're… — Martin Landau Copy Share Image
Awkward moment when you are chatting with someone you like but triangle disturb it; until you type some superstitious word, and they… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You're going to get violated in that ring. I am going to close the curtain on the joke that is the Audley… — David Haye Copy Share Image
Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Females don't have any better April Fools' Day jokes besides 'I'm pregnant'? People wouldn't be shocked hearing that from most of you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
I'm not opposed to doing science fiction or comedy, but there has to be respect. I refuse to be the joke, the… — Darlene Cates Copy Share Image
“Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I think most other comics are like, 'I'm going to do my fkin' act and that'll be that.' With me, it's like,… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
I care more about making sure the story is correct and the characters are behaving in character than I do about the… — Michael Schur Copy Share Image
I always joke that I'd like to be a cat 'cause then I'll have nine lives, and then I can do like… — Tavi Gevinson Copy Share Image
The high-handed bureaucratic excesses of the IRS are a national disgrace ... riding roughshod over the taxpayers and making a joke out… — Paul Laxalt Copy Share Image
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
She said she wasn't afraid of Satan, in fact, she thought he was a joke. She said she'd tear his tail off… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Perhaps the way to succeed is to think of life on Earth as a colossal joke, a creation of such immense stupidity… — Meg Rosoff Copy Share Image
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Please don't make me a joke. End the interview with what I believe. I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want… — Marilyn Monroe Copy Share Image
Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz.… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
To know how to structure the joke perfectly so that the narrative information is given in the right tempo, in just the… — David Salle Copy Share Image
I want to get that same feeling that everybody logging on to our website is sharing a little bit of an inside… — Stan Lee Copy Share Image
Don't you love it when you're busy all you want to do is rest butttttttttttttt when your relaxing all you want to… — MrAwesome Copy Share Image
The studying, the books, exams, arguments, theories. The jokes and pints, laughter, kisses and songs. Life was like running, ninety percent sweat… — Siobhan Dowd Copy Share Image
Regular panelists on shows can be terrifying. They own that space, and many guest comics suspect they are favoured in the edit,… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.'… — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
I'm infamous, a joke. It doesn't make me feel good, because I'm a genuine person, but I don't let it get to… — William Hung Copy Share Image
