Humorous Quotes · Page 40

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

— Mignon McLaughlin

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

— John Mason Brown

In business, the competition will bite you if you keep running, if you stand still, they will swallow you.

— Victor Kiam

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

— Dave Barry

“You don't seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.”

— Oscar Wilde

“If this was mental illness, or even just a particularly clinical case of adolescence, I was bearing up pretty well.”

— Barbara Ehrenreich

The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world.

— Luis Palau

“It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck.”

— Neil Gaiman

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early…

— George Carlin

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back…

— Mae West

“Any idea why there is a giant penis made out of snow in our front yard?" Instead of an answer, I was…

— K.C. Beaumont

“...but once more I say do as you please, for we women are born to this burden of being obedient to our…

— Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian…

— Charles Dickens

You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get…

— Jim Rohn

“Cross.” His head popped up a few shelves over. “What?” “Check out the magic crap.” He shot me a look. “Oh, is…

— Rachel Hawkins

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very…

— Bob Hope

Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and…

— Dave Barry

“The Deliverator's car has enough potential energy packed into its batteries to fire a pound of bacon into the Asteroid Belt. Unlike…

— Neal Stephenson

From the air, Vatican City looked like a marble Monopoly set. The Church owned all the property from Broadwalk to Illinois Avenue,…

— Tom Robbins

“The first thing they would do would be to open my mouth and extract the soggy ball of my handkerchief, and as…

— Alan Bradley

There's a lot of different ways that a song would be a challenge to parody. There are a lot of songs that…

— Al Yankovic

I went to school, majored in theatre, and said 'Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an…

— Arsenio Hall

Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible…

— Dave Barry

“For a moment the rank felt as though they had just returned from single-handedly conquering a distant province. They felt, in fact,…

— Terry Pratchett

“I don't use big words to show off because it's ostentatious.”

— Don Roff

The humorous look of children is perhaps the most endearing of all the bonds that hold the Cosmos together.

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

“The important thing for any writer to remember is to take the writing seriously, but not the writer.”

— A.E. Poynor

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

— George Carlin

“Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.”

— Robert DeCoteau

Have a happy Mother's Day before your kids reach an age when they're completely jaded about Mother's Day.

— Anonymous

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

— Bob Hope

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.

— Peggy Ryan

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

— Angie Dickinson

“Jewish vampires: Garlic? As a weapon? No its a spice silly human”

— Tasha Turner

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

— Ronald Reagan

A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it.

— Brander Matthews

Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

— George Carlin

Having plead guilty, I do not believe that I am any different than the vast majority of the members of Congress.

— Dan Rostenkowski

For Breakfast I like my coffee warm and cozy and my eggs funny side up.

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

“The reason politics makes strange bedfellows is because they all like the same bunk.”

— Los Angeles Times