“Every time you smoke a cigarette, God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.” — E.J. Stevens Copy Share Image
You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress. — Jerry Springer Copy Share Image
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
“Lunar Eclipse doesn't that sound like a car you can only drive at night?” — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking. — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are… — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago,… — Barbara Ehrenreich Copy Share Image
“In her small voice, Persephone said, "I have nothing to add." After a moment of consideration, she added, however, "If you are… — Maggie Stiefvater Copy Share Image
Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a… — Dick Gregory Copy Share Image
“Nothing that happened in the past is anything we can change. And it shouldn’t interfere with the happiness of the present.” — Linda Armstrong Copy Share Image
I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The humorous man recognizes that absolute purity, absolute justice, absolute logic and perfection are beyond human achievement and that men have been… — Brooks Atkinson Copy Share Image
America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are… — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
“Why in the name of God do you wear these ugly ass granny panties? I swear it looks like you could parachute… — Kathryn Vance-Perez Copy Share Image
Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us, ZORAC announced after a short pause. The designs are not familiar, but they are obviously… — James P. Hogan Copy Share Image
“I dinnae get people, like they all want to be watched, to be seen, like all the time. They put up their… — Jenni Fagan Copy Share Image
“It is a curious fact that small boys are more terrified of their babysitters than small girls are. In part, this is… — John Connolly Copy Share Image
What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“They'd paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and unique.… — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field… — Golda Meir Copy Share Image
Gandhi has sound economic and cultural reasons for encouraging the revival of cottage industries, but he does not counsel a fanatical repudiation… — Paramahansa Yogananda Copy Share Image
“An oldtimer is a person who's had many interesting experiences, some of them true.” — Bob Gilluly Copy Share Image
“Writers cleave together like a demonic AA group - we are singularly able to dance with each other's devils...” — Jd Young Copy Share Image
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being… — Thomas Reed Copy Share Image
She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . . — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. — Flip Wilson Copy Share Image
Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you. — Herbert Beerbohm Tree Copy Share Image
When you get asked hundreds of questions, it's not possible to remember the answer to every one. — William J. Clinton Copy Share Image
“If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?" ~ Gabi” — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
The person, be it lady or gentlemen who has not pleasure in a good book must be intoleranlty stupid. — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety. — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
