“My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant. Now I owe money to the IRS.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When my ex girlfriend left, I was crushed. Why’d she have to drive off in a steamroller?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend would say I am a bit of a romantic. Well, actually, she'd say I bit a romantic. I bit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I miss my ex girlfriend a lot. But at least I’m getting to be a better shot.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that’s to be expected, since she is a roofer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was reminded of my ex girlfriend the other day. It’s amazing that something as simple as a first and last name,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just because I’m hung up over my ex girlfriend, doesn’t mean I won’t hang up on her. Hell, I’ve already been put… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We never know how bad we had it, until something better comes along and we get to experience it for a while… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
