Arrested Quote by Emo Philips

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed…

— Emo Philips

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

— Emo Philips

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

— Emo Philips

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass…

— Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

— Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

— Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."…

— Emo Philips

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off…

— Emo Philips

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,…

— Emo Philips

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits…

— Emo Philips

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And…

— Emo Philips

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

— Emo Philips