Funny Marriage Quotes

244 quotes by 163 authors

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. — Roseanne Barr
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. — Joey Adams
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. — Charles Baudelaire
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. — Erma Bombeck
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? — George Carlin
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. — Johnny Carson
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him. — Unknown Author
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. — Gilbert K. Chesterton
It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. — Agatha Christie
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. — Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. — Woody Allen
In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. — Robert Anderson
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. — Milton Berle
You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere. — Chris Rock
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. — Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In… — Henny Youngman
The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button. — Rick Reilly
I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. — Wendy Liebman
Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want… — Dave Barry

Who Wrote These Funny Marriage Quotes

163 authors contributed a total of 244 Funny Marriage Quotes, led by these top contributors: