Funny Marriage Quotes
244 quotes by 163 authors
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No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
— Honore de Balzac
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My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
— Roseanne Barr
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Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
— Joey Adams
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A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.
— Charles Baudelaire
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
— Erma Bombeck
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
— George Carlin
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
— Johnny Carson
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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.
— Unknown Author
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Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
— Gilbert K. Chesterton
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It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them.
— Agatha Christie
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
— Woody Allen
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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
— Woody Allen
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In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
— Robert Anderson
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
— Milton Berle
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You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.
— Chris Rock
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Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In…
— Henny Youngman
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The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.
— Rick Reilly
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I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
— Wendy Liebman
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Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want…
— Dave Barry
Who Wrote These Funny Marriage Quotes
163 authors contributed a total of 244 Funny Marriage Quotes, led by these top contributors: