Best Funny Marriage Words
244 Funny Marriage quotes by 163 unique authors
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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin
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It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
— Robert Frost
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A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
— Sacha Guitry
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An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
— Sacha Guitry
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
— Billy Connolly
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Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
— Tommy Cooper
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I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a…
— Marie Corelli
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That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
— Bill Cosby
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
— Rodney Dangerfield
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
— Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter…
— Rodney Dangerfield
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Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
— Bette Davis
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An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.
— Bette Davis
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
— Phyllis Diller
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante
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If I get married, I want to be very married.
— Audrey Hepburn
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If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
— Katharine Hepburn
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Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.
— Billie Holiday
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There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies…
— Homer
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Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.
— E. W. Howe
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Who Wrote These Funny Marriage Quotes
163 authors contributed a total of 244 Funny Marriage Quotes, led by these top contributors: