Best Funny Marriage Thoughts
244 Funny Marriage quotes by 163 unique authors
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Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to…
— Helen Rowland
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When a man makes a woman his wife, it's the highest compliment he can pay her, and it's usually the last.
— Helen Rowland
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
— Rita Rudner
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner
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Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend…
— Rita Rudner
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Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than…
— Bertrand Russell
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Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.
— William Shakespeare
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Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
— George Bernard Shaw
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Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.
— Simone Signoret
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Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between…
— Sydney Smith
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Love is being stupid together.
— Paul Valery
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One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you…
— Judith Viorst
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The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly.
— Peter De Vries
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The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
— Peter De Vries
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Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
— Shelley Winters
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Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community.
— Brigham Young
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little…
— Henny Youngman
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
— Henny Youngman
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She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
— Henny Youngman
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For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.
— Catherine Zeta-Jones
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Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.
— William Shakespeare
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There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.
— Robert Frost
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A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.
— Max Lucado
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I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames…
— Dave Barry
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Who Wrote These Funny Marriage Quotes
163 authors contributed a total of 244 Funny Marriage Quotes, led by these top contributors: