Best Funny Marriage Quotes
244 Funny Marriage quotes by 163 unique authors
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Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
— Bob Hope
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If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.
— Simone Signoret
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Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!
— Kathy Lette
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
— George Burns
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
— Henny Youngman
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The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."
— William Rehnquist
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Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.
— Heather Locklear
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Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.
— David Niven
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It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.
— C. Northcote Parkinson
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There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and…
— Unknown Author
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One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.
— Bernard Malamud
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If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.
— Marty Allen
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Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.
— Patricia Arquette
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You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.
— Artie Shaw
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I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband.
— Rosanna Arquette
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The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.
— Kin Hubbard
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I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
— Bob Monkhouse
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Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
— Bob Monkhouse
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There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
— Helen Rowland
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Every man should marry - and no woman
— Benjamin Disraeli
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The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn't say.
— Alfred Hitchcock
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I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's…
— Jerry Seinfeld
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The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.
— A. P. Herbert
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It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !
— Akbar
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
— Rodney Dangerfield
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Who Wrote These Funny Marriage Quotes
163 authors contributed a total of 244 Funny Marriage Quotes, led by these top contributors: