Best Funny Marriage Quotations
244 Funny Marriage quotes by 163 unique authors
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When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
— George Lopez
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I was married once before, and I stopped.
— Marc Maron
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I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those…
— Rodney Carrington
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I always said if I ever get married, I would tell my woman - I love Michael Jordan, I am a Michael Jordan fanatic -…
— Aries Spears
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God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
— Jim Norton
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If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
— Sam Kinison
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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under…
— Andy Rooney
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
— Frank Carson
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The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
— Johnny Carson
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Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
— Gloria Steinem
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When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
— Helen Rowland
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If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
— Sigmund Freud
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My wife assures me she didn't sleep with Tiger Woods, but how can I believe her?
— Unknown Author
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Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three…
— Peter De Vries
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Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.
— Carol Leifer
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Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only…
— Aristotle
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With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
— Bob Monkhouse
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You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'
— Robin Williams
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I have a lot of friends who are getting married. I try to avoid talking to them about their sex lives now 'cause it's so…
— Ted Alexandro
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[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we…
— Jeff Foxworthy
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Marriage - as its veterans know well - is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn't expected.
— Thomas Mullen
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The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.
— Dorothy Parker
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
— Red Skelton
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An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.
— Ann Landers
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Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
— Jeff Foxworthy
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Who Wrote These Funny Marriage Quotes
163 authors contributed a total of 244 Funny Marriage Quotes, led by these top contributors: