Best Funny Facebook Status Quotes
2195 Funny Facebook Status quotes by 404 unique authors
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If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
— George Carlin
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I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
— Jackie Mason
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Admiration is the daughter of ignorance.
— Benjamin Franklin
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Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
— Wendell Johnson
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I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
— George Burns
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If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
— George Carlin
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If inflation continues to soar, you're going to have to work like a dog just to live like one
— George Gobel
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Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
— Doug Larson
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My life, my choices, my mistakes, my lessons- NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
— Wiz Khalifa
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Arguments out of a pretty mouth are unanswerable.
— Joseph Addison
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I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
— Jay McInerney
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Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
— Gordon R Dickson
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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
— Joe Louis
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The day Rick Ross dives into the crowd, is the day we find out who his true fans are.
— Kevin Hart
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Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
— Homer
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You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
— Homer
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You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
— Homer
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Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
— Homer
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I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
— Homer
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When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something.
— Homer
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It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
— Homer
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Trying is the first step toward failure.
— Homer
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Sex is a momentary itch, love never lets you go.
— Kingsley Amis
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Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal
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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
— Woody Allen
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Who Wrote These Funny Facebook Status Quotes
404 authors contributed a total of 2,195 Funny Facebook Status Quotes, led by these top contributors: