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Funny Quotes by Johnny Carson
- If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
- I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
- If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
- The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
- Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a…
- Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
- The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
- I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing…
- Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a…
- Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
- It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
- Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams