Johnny Carson Quotes

57 quotes in 765 categories

• Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you…
• I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
• If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
• I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
• If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
• Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
• Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
• Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important…
• Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
• Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
• For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
• My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
• If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
• People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
• The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
• New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
• When turkeys mate they think of swans.
• He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
• A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

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