Johnny Carson Quotes

57 quotes in 765 categories

• Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
• Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a…
• There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
• Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
• In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR…
• Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!
• In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
• The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
• Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
• It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."
• If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
• The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
• If variety if the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam
• Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"
• Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.

Browse Johnny Carson Quotes by Category