Johnny Carson Quotes

57 quotes in 765 categories

• The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
• Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a…
• The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.
• I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
• Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
• The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
• Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'
• Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
• As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
• I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing…
• Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.
• We're more effective than birth control pills.
• Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.
• I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.
• There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked…
• We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
• I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself.... Whatever you do, you're going…
• The Hollywood tradition I like best is called “sucking up to the stars.
• Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it…
• I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute…

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