Jimmy Carr

But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people,…

— Jimmy Carr

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a…

— Jimmy Carr

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

— Jimmy Carr

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

— Jimmy Carr

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

— Jimmy Carr

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

— Jimmy Carr

“Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.”

— Jimmy Carr

They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.

— Jimmy Carr

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

— Jimmy Carr

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

— Jimmy Carr

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

— Jimmy Carr

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you…

— Jimmy Carr

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort…

— Jimmy Carr

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for…

— Jimmy Carr

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

— Jimmy Carr

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with…

— Jimmy Carr

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine…

— Jimmy Carr

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have…

— Jimmy Carr

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

— Jimmy Carr

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a…

— Jimmy Carr

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

— Jimmy Carr

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

— Jimmy Carr

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

— Jimmy Carr

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

— Jimmy Carr

“I don't have an English accent because this is what English sounds like when spoken properly.”

— Jimmy Carr