Groucho Marx Quotes

304 quotes in 2416 categories

• Home is where you hang your head.
• No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
• How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
• Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy…
• Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
• Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.
• Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
• As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
• Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
• I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll…
• I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
• [Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
• Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
• Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
• We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
• Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
• Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
• You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
• Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
• I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

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