Eugene Mirman

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes…

— Eugene Mirman

“Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other…

— Eugene Mirman

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

— Eugene Mirman

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

— Eugene Mirman

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

— Eugene Mirman

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and…

— Eugene Mirman

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

— Eugene Mirman

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I…

— Eugene Mirman

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give…

— Eugene Mirman

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash…

— Eugene Mirman

“There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to…

— Eugene Mirman

“It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to…

— Eugene Mirman

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes…

— Eugene Mirman

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons…

— Eugene Mirman

One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't…

— Eugene Mirman

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I…

— Eugene Mirman

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that…

— Eugene Mirman

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily…

— Eugene Mirman

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just…

— Eugene Mirman

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

— Eugene Mirman

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

— Eugene Mirman

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

— Eugene Mirman

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try…

— Eugene Mirman

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

— Eugene Mirman

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

— Eugene Mirman