I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences? — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.” — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions?… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences? — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually,… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
