You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley? — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for?… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions?… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences? — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually,… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
