Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions?… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences? — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually,… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
