What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions?… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences? — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually,… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
