Dana Gould

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look...…

— Dana Gould

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come…

— Dana Gould

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes…

— Dana Gould

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

— Dana Gould

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

— Dana Gould

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

— Dana Gould

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

— Dana Gould

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

— Dana Gould

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

— Dana Gould

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

— Dana Gould

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

— Dana Gould

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty…

— Dana Gould

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

— Dana Gould

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

— Dana Gould

The average permanent lasts about four months.

— Dana Gould

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

— Dana Gould

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take…

— Dana Gould

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They…

— Dana Gould

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're…

— Dana Gould

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

— Dana Gould

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from…

— Dana Gould

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning…

— Dana Gould

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned…

— Dana Gould

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

— Dana Gould

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside…

— Dana Gould