I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
