New Rule: I don't give two fingleberries and a McShit-all that Dumbledore is gay. I never wanted to know who Dumbledore was… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
What's going to be hard for the United States is that our policy for a long time has been a two-state solution;… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
There were two Republican responses to the State of the Union. So if you watched the whole night, it was kind of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
F. Scott Fitzgerald has an indespensible quote: 'The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
When it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your unreason up… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
But I've often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I'd be… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I ... would guess maybe about one or two out of five men is suited for marriage and probably four out of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Many people can't deal with unanswered questions, which religion exploits by providing answers, even if they are just made up by someone.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it? — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
