My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
