And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream,… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
“Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.” — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed,… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas. — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.' — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
