Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
