One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I'm not an angry person, just very disappointed and contemptuous of my fellow humans' choices - and on stage those feelings sometimes… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward:… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
