“I don’t know why it was, exactly, but nothing irritated my father quite like the sound of his children’s happiness. Group crying,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“What's wrong?" he said. "I'll tell you what's wrong: you're killing us." "But I thought that's what you wanted?" "We did," my… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching their brain aneurysm or… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Good girl, Rachel. Now, let’s get the hell out of here. Your mother has a headache that won’t quit until you’re twenty-one” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“I don’t know that it had anything to do with us,” my father said. But how could it have not? Doesn’t the… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making love in… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You kids might think you’re close, but just wait until your father and I are gone, and you’re left to divide up… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“She knew what my mother did not: either you want a clean floor or you want to use a mop, but you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
There are a lot of college writing textbooks that will include essays and short stories, and after reading the story or essay,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American women with sunglasses, always searching… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Drawing attention to Gretchen's weight was the sort of behavior my mother referred to as 'stirring the turd,' and I did it… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—“A rescue snake, she’d be quick… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“A Japanese woman we’d met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle,… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
One thing I like about the United States, and I kind of miss about the United States, is there's an election coming up here… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
My boyfriend got me a computer three years ago. I'll admit it does make things a lot easier. When I was working on a… — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
