“Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goals.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think you know if you disappeared from my life I’d be upset, but ultimately I’d make myself a new invisible cloak,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the future, it’ll be my child, but it will be my child’s life, so I must name it not for me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is a third option: to not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was two, a year was half of my life. It must have felt like forever. But when I’m 99, a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met a man named Birthday. I didn’t tell him when I was born, because I thought that that one day in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve always wanted to make love to a triangle, but I’m always two angles short. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If love covered as much of the earth’s surface as the oceans, would you still urinate in your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“So that was how I spent nine months of my life. I felt like I was pregnant, except instead of giving life,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to buy a sports car, because I like riding bicycles. Hold on to my handlebar mustache if you value your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is struggle. Poor people struggle to get money, and rich people struggle to keep their money.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
