I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
