Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
