Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
