Funny Quotes · Page 1,561

He blew his mind out in a caaaar.

— Roger McGuinn

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I…

— Billy Connolly

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,…

— Bruce Baum

The funny thing about bowl recipes is, despite how simple they might seem, they can actually be a lot of work.

— Chris Morocco

And it is only the woman who cheers her husband through lifes thick and thin, good and bad situations and stands firmly…

— Mak_786

“Dear Mom, I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I…

— Mac Barnett

I'm a fan of the old 'Creature Features' like 'Critters,' and 'Gremlins' and 'Tremors.' 'Jaws' is classic. It's funny that I still…

— Brooke Nevin

“Don't tell me how to feel.”

— Jason Gabriel Kondrath

“Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. “Dude, that’s as big as…

— Erin Jamison

Never buy gold, simply earn it

— Mary Kom

A laughing Lear would be monstrous. Not so a laughing Romeo and Juliet.

— Mason Cooley

A #GIRLBOSS is in charge of her own life. She gets what she wants because she works for it.

— Sophia Amoruso

I love making friends.... it's people I can't stand.

— Linus Torvalds

I always write about my own experiences, whether I've had them or not.

— Ron Carlson

Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.

— Green Monk

If I can sit down for freedom, you can stand up for children.

— Rosa Parks

True happiness comes only by making others happy.

— David O. McKay

You cannot be spiritually free and financially bound.

— Larry Burkett

I have doubts! I have such doubts!

— John Patrick Shanley

We are bound by nothing except belief.

— Ernest Holmes

The dance is not where we lose ourselves. But where we find ourselves.

— Gabrielle Roth

You, you, and you...panic. The rest of you, come with me.

— US Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah,…

— Louis C. K

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

— Jim Gaffigan

“I listened in on a KKK rally but all I could hear was a bunch of white noise.”

— Rick Silber