Funny Quotes · Page 1,550

Student, tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath.

— Kabir

When we know to read our own hearts, we acquire wisdom of the heartsof others.

— Denis Diderot

A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Without God man has no reference point to define himself.

— R. C. Sproul

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New…

— Denis Leary

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

— Mitch Hedberg

You can always quit, so why quit now.

— Robert Kiyosaki

If I had my life to live over, I would never dream

— Stevie Nicks

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

— Phyllis Diller

“They would get their shit together, and keep it together, and maintain it neatly and in good working order.”

— Tim O'Brien

I wanted to explain that just because I'm rapping in this funny way doesn't mean that I'm not worthy of actually being…

— Lil Dicky

I actually think being involved in the cesarean would be... I just can't wait!

— Robert Pattinson

Gang of Santa-Banta broke a bank, but instead of cash they find bottles of chilled red wine... happily they drink and left…

— A Josland

Tell Ray to put the eyeliner, the lipstick and the high heels away. I'm not saying he's a cross-dresser, that's just what…

— Shannon Sharpe

I counted them all out and I counted them all back.

— Brian Hanrahan

You don't realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth.

— Mickey Mantle

It's funny, because even though on a drama like 'Picket Fences' those long monologues would stress me out, doing special effects where…

— Holly Marie Combs

You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.

— Mae West

Members rise from CMG (known sometimes in Whitehall as 'Call Me God') to KCMG ('Kindly Call Me God') to .. the GCMG…

— Anthony Sampson

Take a stand. Be known for your courage and confidence.

— Indra Nooyi

Just used my Complete Works of karate to crush a cockroach.

— Nikhil Saluja

You can almost liken 'Bad Samaritan' to 'Funny Games' because it's that theme of horror just down the street in your neighborhood.

— Robert Sheehan

He who is attached to things will suffer much.

— Laozi

Thank you for completely ignoring our wedding registry and instead getting us something you thought we should have but that we'll never…

— Anonymous

I find it funny when women share makeup-free selfies on Twitter or Instagram, and it's such a huge deal.

— Caroline Wozniacki