“I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, they were kind enough to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d kill for any one of my friends. Thankfully for the overpopulated prison system, I don’t have any friends.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
