One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
