“A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've decided to donate my arsenal of machine guns to a hunting charity. That should help raze a million bucks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If there were a fountain machine that dispensed destruction instead of soda, would you grab an extra large… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“First machine kicked man’s ass physically, then machine started taking over the left-brain when Deep Blue bested Kasparov in chess, and then… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to invent a What does it do? machine. “What does it do?” you’re probably wondering. Well, I’ll tell you. What… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish there were a vending machine that served cats. Not to eat, but to pet during my work break.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like using White Out. But sometimes backspace or delete works just as well, when I don’t have Windex to clean my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“John Wilkinson invented the horizontal boring machine, and what a boring machine it was! In fact, it’s so boring that I think… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m one washing machine away from throwing in the towel. But I’m not a quitter. I’m also out of laundry detergent.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody is mysteriously mysterious. To be mysterious all it takes is hard work, misdirection, and a fog machine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
