Clever facebook status Quotes by Anonymous · Page 5

Okay mom...you know I love you...but I can't accept your friend request on Facebook.

— Anonymous

Mitt Romney should change his first name to Fetch, because he's never going to happen.

— Anonymous

These animal crackers are bullshit, this elephant tastes exactly like the giraffe did.

— Anonymous

Who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning paper?

— Anonymous

Constipation and procrastination are similar. In both conditions you dont give a crap.

— Anonymous

The grass is greener on the other side, because that's where the dog has been shitting.

— Anonymous

If a person who drinks too much is an alcoholic, then is someone who never drinks called a non-alcoholic?

— Anonymous

Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any life left, he's single.

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when an ugly person says I need my beauty sleep when they really need to hibernate...

— Anonymous

I try to not look back at the past, I think of it as a toilet that flushes...do I really want to…

— Anonymous

Old people at weddings always poke me and say You're Next. So I started doing the same to them at funerals

— Anonymous

One of life's mysteries: why someone who won't speak to you in public wants to be your friend on Facebook.

— Anonymous

I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get out of my bed or I'll…

— Anonymous

Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.....Sometimes there is some SENSE in NONSENSE.

— Anonymous

My 'check engine' light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there.

— Anonymous

I love pandas, they're so chill. They are all like 'Dude, racism is stupid. I'm White, Black, and Asian...'

— Anonymous

Mario: An Italian plumber that was created by Japanese people, who speaks English, but looks like a Mexican.

— Anonymous

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless, until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

— Anonymous

I won't take a bullet for anyone because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet...you have time to…

— Anonymous

Anyone who refuses the love of a child deserves nothing but evil as terrible as the heart you have blackened.

— Anonymous

You want to know someone who is amazing, beautiful and has the cutest smile ever? Read the first word again...

— Anonymous

When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

— Anonymous

Turning 32 years old is significant, because at 32 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to jail

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when people constaly say You know? Its like, why are you telling me stuff I know? You know?

— Anonymous

Telling someone their breath smells without hurting their feelings...'Well I'm bored, let's go brush our teeth!'

— Anonymous

I refuse to go bungee jumping, I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

— Anonymous

Dont let your ears witness what your eyes didn't see...& don't let your mouth speak what your heart doesn't feel.

— Anonymous

I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I dont want to sound paranoid, but Im pretty sure people are following me.

— Anonymous

Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off…

— Anonymous

Don't feel depressed if you're alone this one day. Feel depressed that you're alone the other 364 days of the year.

— Anonymous

If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder' then would you call men's underwear 'under the but nut hut'

— Anonymous

Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "sorry for the damage." watching them is priceless

— Anonymous

When somebody calls you UGLY, here's what you have got to say: UGLY never starts with 'I' it always starts with 'U'.

— Anonymous

I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

— Anonymous

They say so many people die because of alcohol. Perhaps they never realized how many of them are born because of it.

— Anonymous

The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for…

— Anonymous

Deleting your Facebook is like running away from home. You're only doing it for attention and you'll be back in a day.

— Anonymous

I LOVE EVERYONE...SOME I LOVE TO BE AROUND, SOME I LOVE TO AVOID...AND SOME I WOULD LOVE TO PUNCH ON THEIR FACE...!!…

— Anonymous

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

— Anonymous

Exams are like girls, they ask too many questions and are hard to understand...but it feels good when you've nailed one.

— Anonymous