W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

— W. C. Fields

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

— W. C. Fields

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

— W. C. Fields

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

— W. C. Fields

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

— W. C. Fields

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).

— W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

— W. C. Fields

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man!…

— W. C. Fields

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

— W. C. Fields

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

— W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

— W. C. Fields

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle…

— W. C. Fields

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

— W. C. Fields

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out…

— W. C. Fields

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people…

— W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

— W. C. Fields

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

— W. C. Fields

Yes I do like children ... Girl children...about eighteen or twenty.

— W. C. Fields

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

— W. C. Fields

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

— W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

— W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

— W. C. Fields

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

— W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

— W. C. Fields

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

— W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

— W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

— W. C. Fields

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

— W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

— W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

— W. C. Fields

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

— W. C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

— W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

— W. C. Fields

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

— W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

— W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

— W. C. Fields