I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over… — W. C. Fields Best friend Copy Share Image
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. — W. C. Fields Cold Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than… — W. C. Fields Alcohol Copy Share Image
I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy… — W. C. Fields Barbell Copy Share Image
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect… — W. C. Fields Advice Copy Share Image
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst,… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an… — W. C. Fields Brother Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all… — W. C. Fields Broadway Copy Share Image
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get… — W. C. Fields Audience Copy Share Image
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
