I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst,… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to… — W. C. Fields Copy Share
