My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake… — W. C. Fields Copy Share
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained. — W. C. Fields Copy Share
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to… — W. C. Fields Copy Share
