There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant. — W. C. Fields Ambition Copy Share Image
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes. — W. C. Fields Bible Copy Share Image
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. — W. C. Fields Betting Copy Share Image
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several… — W. C. Fields Afghanistan Copy Share Image
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but… — W. C. Fields Best things Copy Share Image
No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog… — W. C. Fields Animal Copy Share Image
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated… — W. C. Fields England Copy Share Image
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue.… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. — W. C. Fields Baby Copy Share Image
“I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.” — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy. — W. C. Fields Inspirational Copy Share Image
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! — W. C. Fields Drinking Copy Share Image
I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother. — W. C. Fields Lawyer Copy Share Image
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. — W. C. Fields Alive Copy Share Image
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs… — W. C. Fields Drinking Copy Share Image
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. — W. C. Fields Alcoholics Copy Share Image
