W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

— W. C. Fields

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

— W. C. Fields

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

— W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

— W. C. Fields

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

— W. C. Fields

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

— W. C. Fields

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

— W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

— W. C. Fields

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

— W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

— W. C. Fields

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle…

— W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

— W. C. Fields

“I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her…

— W. C. Fields

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

— W. C. Fields

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and…

— W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

— W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

— W. C. Fields

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

— W. C. Fields

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

— W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

— W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

— W. C. Fields

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

— W. C. Fields

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

— W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

— W. C. Fields

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

— W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

— W. C. Fields

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

— W. C. Fields

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

— W. C. Fields

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

— W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

— W. C. Fields

“Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again. ”

— W. C. Fields

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

— W. C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

— W. C. Fields

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

— W. C. Fields

Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.

— W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

— W. C. Fields

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

— W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

— W. C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

— W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

— W. C. Fields