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Portrait of George Carlin

George Carlin

(1937–2008) Humorist United States

1098 quotes in 3417 categories

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George Carlin was a humorist from the United States, best known for Napalm & silly putty.

Quick Facts About George Carlin

Born: May 12, 1937
Died: June 22, 2008
Nationality: United States
Profession: Humorist
Notable works: Napalm & silly putty
Known for: seven dirty words
Spouse: Sally Wade

About George Carlin

He used his comedy to comment on politics, language, psychology, religion and other taboo topics. His routines often mixed sharp criticism with humor, making audiences think while they laughed.

Awards & Honors

Grammy Hall of Fame Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album Mark Twain Prize for American Humor star on Hollywood Walk of Fame Emperor Has No Clothes Award

Quotes by George Carlin · Page 2

Language always gives you away.

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Life is a zero sum game.

Football

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You never see a smiling runner.

Runner

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“Fuck rational thought”

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Think off-center.

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Your home is your refuge.

Home

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Life is not that complicated.

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Sudden total weight loss.

Loss

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So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

Aging

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Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Inspirational

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The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.

America

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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Farmers

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To my surprise, my marijuana use has been tapering off steadily.

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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

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It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

Bullshit

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You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Cancer

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As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Amendment

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Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second…

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A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a…

Amendment

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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and…

Perspective

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Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

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These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Change

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I was kind of sweet kid, according my mother, and my recollections. Thoughtful and good, but kind of alone - although I…

Children

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Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in…

Apathy

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In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems…

Breaking down

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“Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of…

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You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and…

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I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human…

Animal

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“They don't want an educated populace capable of critical thought, sitting around the kitchen table realizing how badly they're getting fucked!”

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“Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about…

First place

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The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The…

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The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake…

Allegiance

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Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint,…

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There is a certain amount of righteous indignation I hold for the American culture, because to get back to the real root…

American culture

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When I was in seventh grade, I was caught stealing money from the visiting team's locker room during a basketball game. So…

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When you look at Earth from that one picture, the one from space, it's really a rather attractive thing. I have nothing…

Asteroids

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I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have…

Atheist

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“There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health. Still, I love traveling down there,…

Health

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George Carlin by topic

People (198) Funny (120) Thinking (113) Humor (102) Humorous (81) Inspirational (72) Time (71) Life (66) Stupid people (63) Religion (59) Wine (35) Men (34) Comedy (34) World (33)