“I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A funeral home is like a grocery store of death. Are there any discounts in the meat department?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you’re starving, and all the grocery stores are out of meat, that’s when you’ll be glad you’re a pet owner.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
