Nick Swardson Quotes

34 quotes in 282 categories

• Babies are like the smallest, drunkest people you know.
• If you want to be a comedian, go out. Do a week in Des Moines, Iowa. Try to make those people laugh.
• Comedy is so subjective, you know what I mean? To sit there and technically pick it apart is so stupid.
• No one will ever be as good as Phil Hartman. He was such an amazing genius, and may be the best sketch performer of all…
• I moved to the Ukraine. And it was cold, and everyone had guns, and smelled like soup.
• God bless you Jimmy, God bless your heart.
• Can we take a shower and talk about this?
• Ah, you smell like a winner. You smell like USA!
• You look great Jimmy. You look amazing and your hair rocks. You look so good, oh my gosh. You look at yourself? I totally want…
• Hello........Cool I hope its a naked dude with a boner.
• Fruitcup? Nice....way to go mom!
• Who wants to know what Jackie Gleason's balls tasted like? Yes, Cornbread.
• Who wants to hear about my blowjob from the World War? Yeah...
• Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!
• Dude, we were just kidding JP. Don't be mad at us!
• Good news from the party........Barry sucked on his first boobie!
• Ok... so who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era? Yeah, put your hands up for that one. This chick's pussy…
• Oh, and I'm still gonna kill you someday.
• Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to shit in a plant?
• Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...Thats legendary!

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