All Les Dawson Quotes
- Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up. Couple
- I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. Asked
- Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it. Digging
- The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’. Buried
- I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though. Biscuits
- He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical. Ambition
- My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. Ask
- My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale. Exercise
- I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. Always Tell
- I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it. Airline
- I know my name will always be linked with women. Funny
- I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless. Affection
- I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke… Doctor
- I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. Birth
- My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him. Chewed
- My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind. Blind
- My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. Fat
- Slumps don't bother me. Bother
- Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a… Appearance
- Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow. Dawsons
- I was sat at the bottom of the garden a week ago, smoking a reflective cheroot, thinking about this and that - mostly that, and… Across
- How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. Analyse
- I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me. Asthma
- A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's… Bend
- I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' Funny